You've heard stories of Tony Stark? Bruce Wayne? Errol Flynn? Bah! Mere peasants compared to me! I run the multi-billion-drachma company Olympus Inc. and I'm basically the most amazing person ever. I can tell you stories that you wouldn't even believe.
Ooh just look at that definition.
Jupiter of Smyrna from the Louvre. Source
Of course, it's not all fun and games being the biggest boss of all time. I remember one time, right when we were starting off, my brother Neptune and I decided to liquidate our starting company so we could start over. I went in and just told everyone to get out right then and there! Oh man you should have seen their faces! But that's not even the best part. Nep was waiting outside..... with a house! He completely drenched all of them and I think some guy even climbed a tree! It was hilarious! We did keep the two best employees, Deucalion and Pyrrha, though, and let them help start the next company, a stone processing company.
I also have to put out everyone else's fires too, since I am the biggest, greatest person of all time. My stupid son Apollo decided it'd be a great idea to let some random kid who claimed to be his son take over our entire marketing division for the day. How dumb can you be! The entire company almost went up in flames because that kid doesn't know how to take the reins! We would have been in serious trouble if I hadn't stepped in and kicked the kid out of here so fast it looked like he went up in a puff of smoke. I like to call that one the Ol' Lightning Bolt, cause I fire people so fast they're gone in a flash. Apollo got super mopey after after that though and refused to go back to work for the longest time. I eventually got him back on schedule though.
This may seem like a lot of work, but don't worry, your man Jupiter knows how to play. My wife Juno always gets in the way though and ruins all the fun. There was this one girl, but I can't remember her name. (Phoronis? Io? Phoronio? Eh, who cares?) She was the daughter of the guy in charge of my water transportation division and, boy, was she something else. So much so that I just had to go and try the goods for myself if you know what I mean. I was really smart about it too. I did all my usual sneaking out and I even set up smoke machines outside all our windows. A literal smokescreen! Genius, I know. Juno just had to get suspicious though. I can't believe she can't trust me anymore. Why won't she just let me go out and have some fun! Anyways, I had a feeling Juno would come looking, so I had Phoronio or whatever her name was put on a cow suit and I told Juno I was going to open a steakhouse or something for her and this is the mascot. know, I know, my genius really knows no bounds.
That's not the end of it either! There was this other girl from our Hunting division, working under my daughter Diana. Callisto I think her name was. Really, how could I not hit her up? Call is right there in her name! So I do just that. I pretend to be Diana (I'm amazing at impressions too) and meet up with her and you know how the rest goes. Diana kept the girl around for a while, but eventually she had to lay her off. And, OF COURSE, Juno knew about my little bit of fun and just had to have her revenge. She made the girl wear a bear costume and wander around our sports and outdoors stores! It was pretty funny, but I guess I did feel a little bad for her so I made her a star in our late night TV series,
Ursa You Thought.
This last one I do actually feel kind of bad about. This one girl, Semele, somehow got it in her head that she could keep up with my crazy lifestyle. One day she asks me for a favor. Being the kind, generous, amazing person I am, I of course oblige. She says she can handle whatever I throw at her and wants to see me at my absolute best. I knew it was a bad idea, but I'm a man of my word. I went up to my penthouse at the top of the Olympus Building and did my best to tone the partying down, but she just couldn't handle the lightning. She ended up completely burned out and left and she left her kid. Being the kind, compassionate, fatherly man I am, though, I decided to raise him myself. Man, that kid could really party too. Even as a baby he could drink more wine than most adults. Bacchus always was a party-fiend.
The fiend in all his glory.
Author's Notes:
This is a retelling of a few of the
metamorphoses stories from Ovid's Metamorphoses. These stories are Deucalion
and Pyrrha, Io, Phaethon, Callisto, and Semele. In all of these stories Jupiter
is a monstrous jerk, which I decided to run with. A modern image of this is the
super pompous rich guy who just does what he wants.
In Deucalion and Pyrrha's story, Jupiter
is angry so he and Neptune flood the planet to wipe out all life, except for
two people. These people are Deucalion and Pyrrha, the oldest and most loyal
humans. New humans are then created from stones they threw.
Io's story is less uplifting. She is raped
and turned into a heifer by Jupiter. She is later returned to normal after
Juno's rage has subsided.
Phaethon was a boy who claimed to be the
son of Apollo. Looking to prove this he goes to Apollo's palace and asks for proof.
Apollo agrees and Phaethon asks to drive the chariot of the sun across the sky.
Very reluctantly, Apollo agrees. The boy immediately loses control and threatens
the whole earth.
Callisto was one of the huntresses that
ran with Diana. Jupiter disguised himself as Diana, raped, and impregnated her.
The actual Diana finds out about this and exiles Callisto. After Callisto gives
birth, Juno gets her revenge and turns Callisto into a bear. After 15 years Callisto
and her son meet again and Jupiter turns them into the Great and Little Bear
constellations, or Ursa Major and Minor.
Semele, another mistress, was already
pregnant when Juno found out. As revenge, Juno convinced Semele to ask Jupiter
to show his true self to her. Semele is burned up as a result. Her child
survives, though, and is raised by Jupiter. This is Bacchus, the god of
wine.
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